She wanted to sleep with me, it was I who refused.
Why? I don’t know. May be since we weren’t married yet.
“You’re a kid”, she said
“But I don’t like to be too adult” (I intended the pun)
It was at the Flagstaff hotel, near the Grand Canyon, Arizona. Double bed, three-star – Courtyard by Marriott was the name.
“Do you ever feel like making love, dear?”
“I do. But not the way you think I should”, I replied
“Honey, I want to feel your warmth”
“I can feel it, but then I can’t sleep with you”
“How do you feel?”
“From your presence, the soft presence … your touch … so warm”
“Like me touching you?”
“Yes, or when you gently touch your lips with mine”
“Still you won’t sleep with me tonight?”
“I don’t think so … don’t quite get the zing”
“Why the hell?”, She seemed frustrated.
“’cause I feel it will get too body-body … and there will be no warmth left after to enjoy”
“You are such a freak!”
“Yeah, miss, I am … and you’re in the company”
She went out of the room on that chilly November night. Standing on the balcony, she took a strong puff from her cigarette.
As if she vented all her anger on the butt.
I remained unfazed. I wasn’t aroused … the whole sleep feel put me off.
Hours later, she came back. I lay still in bed, dreaming of the deeper ravines we visited that morning. In one of those darker corners of the canyon, amidst the coloured rocky layers on the walls of the gorge, I felt as if we lay still.
She had clasped my lips with hers.
We lay there. Lifeless.
I enjoy death … or being dead. I kept thinking to die on that day. No passion touched me, no erotica … I felt like a soul floating amidst the Colorado River bed … unhindered.
Do saints feel like that?
She touched my back … softly moving her nose on me, and caressed my body with her lips.
“That’s you ... so much you”, I mumbled
“Do you like this?”
“I do, don’t mind you sitting by my side the whole night”
“But you don’t like me to lie by your side and sleep?”
“Ah, why don’t you understand?”
“I do, I do … it’s you sometimes who miss my beats”
“I am sorry, deeply sorry … I mean it”
“You don’t have to … just sleep tight”
She got up, and quietly went to sleep in her own bed.
… … …
That night, I really wanted to die. Amidst those deep dark brown ravines.
It’s another story that I failed in death.
Can’t we just die on purpose?
32 comments:
Where do i begin?... dying on purpose is something we do sometimes.. its just that we stop living instead of dying. its easy that way, isnt it?
maintaining status quo or going all in the relationship (read, the moment) is something that has destroyed many a unions.
But sometimes its better to wait for the right time... than fake it...
i know u know what i mean :)
PS: is u feed working fine? the link is not getting updated :(
to talk of the ebb and flow, rise and fall, the remote and the responsive, futility of all, you encapsulated it, the timeless exasperation. lamenting your near to `dying'. :) thanks for showing up at my post again. cheers and tata!
Unbelievable... that u conceived all that. very real.. very raw... i loved it. pleasure reading it. thanks for that. :)
Its working fine now..
and yeah, posted something new
There comes a day in between the rest where one feels that it must be the last day in life. The day could be brought by extreme joy that the Soul needs to live no more, or that of extreme heart ache that mind wants to take none of it. I am sure there was something, something that is not quite clear, something you hold very close and not disclose that has caused you to feel if you could die on purpose. Could it be the expectations of the moment (relationship) that has been too demanding or it could be something else, I wouldn't know unless you choose otherwise.
A true treasure, it felt really very nice reading this post.
Cheers.
as far as my interpretation goes, that u were so filled up by the beauty for the place that u visited, that ur mind stayed there, u died at that place,, permanently
and you didnt wanted to get out of there, u still wanted to be in the calm state..
so is this 2nd october special.. gandhi and antisexual thoughts..
should i call this restrain or plain disinterest or what ...i am unable to understand !!!
@ Chhaya - I feel to die, guess stopping to live can be a way to enjoy it. But faking at the right moment is a wonderful suggestion ... may I live another life to enjoy that.
But, when I felt like dying, this world completely detached me.
Made sense? may be not.
@ Tongue Trip - was this futility? may be. But I can bet this was not exasperation. Dying out of joy, the vastness of the canyon made me dream death. Can't explain more than this.
@ AJai - thanks buddy, your appreciation for the rawness in all of this makes perfect sense. Death has to be raw, always!
@ Vittaldas Prabhu - You are right, there was something that day when I felt like leaving ... could be the combined emotion of seeing something so magnificent and vast as the Grand Canyon.
But you sensed right, there has to be something to feel full enough to stop breathing at once.
This material world does stop there. But this is not spirituality, I can bet on that.
@ Uncommon Sense - filled up by beauty? could be or may be the effect of serenity and the greatness of this natural creation left me completely satisfied for this life.
Nothing with Oct 2 though, I am not really this anti-sexual!
@ vicious - interpret as you will, please. The sex that you may be thinking just didn't come at that time. I guess death for me is plain anti-sexual!
As Chhaya suggests, faking can be another way to glide over this. hehehe
O Ma!!! why am i being misunderstood? i said ---- But sometimes its better to wait for the right time... than fake it...
----
that means i m saying that its never advisable to fake it!!!!
@ Chhaya - I correct myself, you never suggested it ... though your words gave me a suggestion!
Better or not, faking is an option. An interesting option to me. ;)
i think u just wanted to be home
@ Uncommon Sense - :) ... u mean homesick? naah, I'm quite easy outside home!
@idle - totaly identify with u at the i wanna be out of home thing...
home is where ur heart is.. and for some ppl like us, the heart always wanders..
i wander, therefore i am :)
PS: faking is never OK with me. guess that is why ppl find me kinda intimidating and heartless
my head's spinning....
i don't think we can die on a purpose... wwe die only by destiny...
i could be wrong but the first two lines says it all... the limitations were holding you back and everything was so close yet too far...
there was something that was making you happy but something that was even stopping you...
anyway... i am still confused... heeheehehe
@ Chhaya - I can understand that ... my heart still wanders out. But to me the ideal life never excited, the idle life did.
Faking is bad and unholy, but from fake smiles to sex, we've seen it all.
btw, how do u like my new avatar?
@ abanerji - have u ever seen or felt something so whole that u thought this was it ... or the purpose of living is accomplished?
Will be eager to know from you.
@idle - :)
dont like the new avatar too much (see, not faking :P ) ...
love the new header though!!
this avatar is the latest creation of the idleminds devil's workshop... right...?
couldn't stop laughing at it... you don't look like a devil in this... it's more like the morphe by kids with sketch pens on the magazine pictures...
plzzzz change the picture...
well, now on a serious note...there are very few people who realise that their purpose of living is acomplished and many who never understand their purpose of living...
we make a target and imagine it to be the purpose... if we don't achieve it, we feel that it would have been better if we were dead...everything comes to a stand still and the mind and body stops working...we try to achieve it by all means but when we fail it seems it is the end of the world... and if we achieve it,we forget all, we start making new goals...
this is what i felt...
@ Chhaya - I know you can never fake. But with that one genuine and well-deserved pat went away in thin air! ;) ... hehehe
@ abanerji - a devil is not created, it's born ... and even though you folks encouraged me enough to put down the avatar,
I will be back ... with a vengeance! hahahaha
@ abanerji - Let me alert you at the onset that I don't run after goals in life. To me, it's just life as it floats. I was ambitious, but it has died its own death with mixed experiences of life.
The death that you described may be a symbol of failure, but to die in amazement for a natural wonder, with a sense of complete fulfillment in life may not be this natural.
thanks for your effort to read me!
HI IdleMind,
I am glad to come across a post with true raw emotions.. but still, its not natural to digest the fact that a Man is saying No ....
@ I am Alive - such are the changes we'll witness in days to come. The perspective to view a man and woman will need to change! thanks for dropping by!!
i told you i was very confused...may be misuunderstood the whole thing... now its clear... this last bit of explanation was need for a dimwit like me... thanks!
hmmm.. waiting for a new one from you :)
I crave for another masterpiece from you. Please post one soon.
I think that lady also wanted to die that night, after seeing your non-co-operation. hehehe.... jokes apart, death is the only truth of life... and a purposeful death... only lucky ones get the chance.
@ sandy - I would never know ... this lady is no longer with me. She's lost forever!
Die on purpose.. thats an option that I would love to possess.. There are times when I have felt that way.. Physically present, emotionally so detached that the world seems meaningless.
I can understand your emotions when you refused to sleep with the lady.. Some things need to come from your core and physical intimacy is one of them. If not, it loses its charm and the sense of fulfilment. I don't know if I am putting it right :)
@ Nikki - thanks for your words of comfort! you're on dot when you describe the condition in death ...
No Idle, we cannot die in purpose. This life is not ours to take, they say...
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